For the past three weeks, I have observed myself carefully from a third person perspective. Every time I came across a negative emotion, I paused and asked myself, 'Why am I feeling this way?' The answers were various on the surface, but at the end it was the same, "It's all about attachment." I attached myself to the image of being highly competent; therefore, I felt defensive when my colleagues gave me feedback to improve my practice. I attached myself to the image of a person with two masters degrees, so I felt ashamed when I made a mistake that I thought a master graduate should not make. I attached myself to the identity of a confident, independent, strong-minded Vietnamese American woman, which meant I felt embarrassed when I did not know how to elegantly behave in a social environment.
Attachment to an identity blocked me from listening to the constructive message, and as a result I furiously tried to defend my position instead of improving myself. It was not easy to face with the fear deep inside my heart, the fear of not being perfect, good enough, and therefore not lovable or respectable in others' eyes.
Constant reflection, however, helped me to pause, observe myself, and courageously carry on internal conversation. It was much easier to ignore the discomfort of self-confrontation, went on living the way I have always done, so I was thankful to my spiritual mentors who had brought me to this stage of development.
It has been such a painful journey, to reflect, confront, and discover more about who I am. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable, yet the serene moments that followed were indescribable. I pray that I continue to have the needed wisdom and inner strength to continue this challenging journey. I hope one day the new habits are formed, and the weak, vulnerable, authentic self inside me can slowly emerge and become one with my other self.
May 12, 2011
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